Laurie Luh

A while back, one of my favorite employees (we'll call her Lisa) wandered into my office and plopped down onto my couch looking pretty spent. Lisa was having trouble working with one of her colleagues and felt that the new girl didn't listen to any of her ideas and that she talked over her in meetings. The funny thing is that I use to feel the same way about that Lisa!! She never knew it, but I always thought that Lisa never listened to me or got what I was saying.

The thing about work is that you can't ignore these people or situations. And that's a good thing, because every time something or someone is bothering you, it's an opportunity to get into the source of the issue and solve the problem for good. When I had trouble with Lisa a few years ago, I had to peel back the layers of the issue and figure out what about Lisa was really bothering me. I had to get past the ego driven answers that I gave myself at first like "her voice is annoying" and "she picks her fingernail polish off while I'm trying to answer her questions." The real truth was that I was nervous that maybe my ideas weren't any good. I started working with Lisa when I was still pretty new in my job. I wasn't confident in all of the decisions that I was making and when Lisa would ignore my ideas or worse, ask me fifty million questions about one of my suggestions, it hit on that insecurity. Once I realized that was the real issue, the way I felt about Lisa completely changed. I was able to see that I was using her as an excuse to avoid the real problem. We actually had a lot of things in common. Oh yeah, Lisa still has all of those same quirks. There were flecks of pink nail polish all over my office when she left that day. Now, I just am more confident that her quirks have nothing to do with me.

It's hard at first to see a negative as an opportunity to grow and bring about positive change. On the surface it's much easier to just blame a colleague or a particular situation. If you take the time to practice checking in with yourself to get to the root of the problem, you will not only start having better relationships with your colleagues, but you will also start having a better relationship with yourself. The next time that someone rubs you the wrong way and you feel your internal thermostat start to rise, try these simple questions to determine what scar they are irritating and why.

The moment that you feel your temperature rising around the person causing the irritation, remove yourself from the situation and start peeling back the layers.

1. What is happening to you physically and emotionally?
2. What didn't you like about what just happened with this person that made you get so upset?
3. What did you think of instantly and how did you react?
4. Who else or what else in your life has stirred up similar feelings?
5. Be honest about your findings. If this stirs up something, even if it's from your past, acknowledge that you still have an opened wound.
6. You have been given an opportunity to heal. This person served their purpose. Now you can focus on fixing the real issue.
7. Look at this person with a fresh set of eyes. You probably have a lot in common. Similar souls scratch similar wounds.

Check out more career advice from Laurie on her website Mimosa Lotus.